Teens, ask an anonymous question
At Teens Have Choices, we often speak to teens at community events, clubs, and school assemblies. We always invite teens to ask about anything that’s on their minds, and we do our best to provide a response that is both sincere and caring, while pointing them to additional resources that may be needed. Many teens don’t feel comfortable openly discussing sexuality or are too embarrassed to ask about something that’s been on their mind. Teens, here’s where you can ask your question anonymously. Actually, you now have TWO ways to ask an anonymous question: by using the web form on this page or by using BrdsNBz, our new teen text line. What’s the difference? Other than the obvious difference between using a web form or texting, with BrdsNBz you can expect personal, medically accurate information delivered within 24 hours – not something we are able to provide with questions sent to the website.
Please understand that we do not dispense medical or legal advice. When dealing with medical concerns, we urge you to seek professional medical advice, and we always urge you to speak with your parents, guardian or other trusted adult. If you are in immediate physical danger or experiencing a medical emergency, call 911. If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts, please call the Maryland Youth Crisis Hotline (1-800-422-0009) or visit www.suicidepreventionlifeline.
Want to see some questions we’ve answered? Keep reading.
We’ll update this page regularly with the questions we get from teens. Please note: we might edit lengthy questions or inappropriate comments. We’re not able to respond directly to anonymous questions. If you’d like a direct response to your question, please contact us.
Real questions from real teens
Here are some questions that we’ve been asked by teens in Washington County. Click on the question to read our response.
I'm 13. I broke up with my bf about 4-5 months ago. We dated for about 8 months and I was his 1st gf. A week ago I sent him a letter letting him know exactly how I feel, but instead of me giving him it my mom did because I was too scared. I was planning on texting him next week and asking him how he felt about me if he wanted to. I miss him so much, but don't know how long to wait and what to do. What should I do?
So first of all, there are a couple of things that you need to ask yourself: 1. Why did you break up with him in the first place? Has anything changed since you broke up? Like, does he have some annoying habit, some jealousy issues, or some different values than you do? 2. Also, what is it that you miss about him now? Is this something important and exclusive to him or do you just miss having a bf?
If you broke up over something important like your values, or you think you might just miss having a boyfriend, then you should work on getting over him and moving on. Write down what it is you liked about him and save it somewhere like a journal. Sometimes it’s cool to look back at it later on when you are thinking of dating someone else and see if that person has any of the qualities you liked (or disliked!) about you ex.
On the other hand, if you broke up over something silly, and you miss him because of who he is, then your best bet is to send him a “we need to talk” text. It might be scary to do that, but you owe it to him to tell him how you feel in person or on the phone. If he doesn’t respond, you can (and should!) move on.
No matter what happens, keep the “big picture” in mind. The average age when women get married is 26. Twice your age! Everyone you date between now and when you get married will teach you something, whether it’s what you want in a husband, or what you don’t want in a husband, or most importantly, who you are as a person. I had boyfriends one after another from ages 15 till 27 and hated the times when I was single. But when I was 27, I took a break from dating to figure out who I was without a guy. And two years later, I met my husband and knew myself well enough to know he was exactly what I wanted! And 7 years later (as of Tuesday), I am really glad I didn’t get back together with my ex during that time, or go out with some less than perfect guy just because I got lonely.
At 13, it’s best to focus your energy on relationships with friends (male and female) rather than on always having a boyfriend. I know, it’s hard when your friends have boyfriends, but there’s a lot of great stuff you can do as a teen if you’re not tied to one person! You’re still figuring out who you are and what you like, and dating is part of that, but definitely not all of it.
I hope that helps. I have been there and I can tell you it always seems like a good idea to get back together, but pretty soon you’ll remember why you broke up in the first place! Good luck!
Teens who drink alcohol are more likely to experience:
- School problems, such as higher absence and poor or failing grades.
- Social problems, such as fighting and lack of participation in activities.
- Legal problems, such as arrest for driving or physically hurting someone while drunk.
- Physical problems, such as hangovers or illnesses.
- Unwanted, unplanned, and unprotected sexual activity.
- Disruption of normal growth and sexual development.
- Physical and sexual assault.
- Higher risk for suicide and homicide.
- Alcohol-related car crashes and other unintentional injuries.
- Memory problems.
- Abuse of other drugs.
- Changes in brain development that may have life-long effects.
- Death from alcohol poisoning.
- Do you drink to be accepted by your friends or to improve your social life?
- Are your grades starting to slip?
- Have you ever blacked out or forgotten things because of drinking?
- Have you ever tried to stop drinking and failed?
- Do you lie about drinking?
If you answered “YES” to even one of these questions, it means alcohol is impacting your life and it’s time to get help.
Alateen – 1-888-425-2666 (1-888-4AL-ANON)
Alateen is a fellowship of young Al-Anon members, usually teenagers, whose lives have been affected by someone else’s drinking. Call the hotline from 8 am to 6 pm, Monday through Friday to find a meeting in your area.
Alcohol/Drug Abuse – 240-313-3314
Substance abuse and mental health services for teens offered by the Washington County Health Department.
ADAC (Alternative Drug and Alcohol Counseling) – 301-766-0065
Located in Hagerstown, ADAC offers a wide array of services including counseling to help resolve substance abuse issues.
Above the Influence – ATI helps teens stand up to negative pressures, or influences.
The Cool Spot – The Cool Spot was created for kids 11-13 years old by the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (NIAAA). The NIAAA is the lead U.S. agency supporting research into the causes, prevention, and treatment of alcohol problems.
TeensHealth.org - Information about alcohol, binge drinking, and what to do if you think you have a problem.
To get involved in underage drinking prevention in Washington County, please visit our page on Alcohol and Youth.
On the one hand, it might seem like all of your friends are having sex. (They aren’t, btw; more than half of local teens are NOT having any type of sex! And those who are, typically wait till they are much older.) And your hormones are certainly not helping the matter; they can confuse things even more and make it difficult to make a smart decision.
On the other hand, there are the consequences to think about: pregnancy, STIs, and the emotional toll that sex can have on you. Condoms are not 100% effective at preventing pregnancy or STIs, and are 0.00000% effective at preventing heartbreak, guilt, and gossip!
Sex is a great thing, at the right time: when you are in a steady, loving relationship or marriage, and when you can handle any consequences that might happen. Waiting is REALLY difficult, but not as difficult as dealing with being a parent at 13, or getting a nasty disease that will affect the rest of your life. The benefits of waiting until you are truly ready are worth some frustration and confusion right now, but will pay off when you are older.
In the meantime– find some friends who share your values and who want to wait to have sex. They can support you and help you stay out of situations where you might be tempted. Same with your parents or other adults in your life. They can help you to set boundaries so that you won’t have the opportunity to have sex before you are ready.
I hope you will appreciate yourself enough to make this decision for yourself and not feel as though you have to bend to pressure.
By asking this question, you show that you are thinking things through, which is always a great idea. You are making a smart decision to think about your choices and your response to pressure when you are not in the heat of the moment and when your head is clear. Our teen resource booklet has tips for saying no.
Have courage in making healthy choices!
But at least lesbians can’t get pregnant, right? Technically, yes. But–get this– teens who identify as lesbians are actually more likely than those who identify as straight to get pregnant. There are lots of factors that go in to that statistic, but one is that often teens’ sexual identity is still forming, so girls who identify as lesbian might still experiment with guys… and would be less likely to use birth control since they think they don’t like guys. Make sense?!
Oh, and one other thing. Lesbians are just as likely as ‘straight’ teens to suffer the other side effects of sex: heartbreak, a bad reputation, shame, angry parents. It’s pretty much universal, no matter who you like or how you have sex.
The only thing that protects you 100% from any of these consequences is abstinence… just saying no to any form of sex.
Hope that helps! And if you want some additional resources geared toward sexual identity, here are some great links: Sexual Identity (from our resource booklet), The Trevor Project, It Gets Better Project, and YouthResource.
Change can be exciting and scary at the same time. Change can come from new things in our lives – a new home, a new school, a new sibling or other family member, a new job. Change can come from loss, too: parents separate or divorce, a friend or loved one passes away, old friends and school are left behind as a result of a relocation, a parent loses his or her job and the family’s financial situation changes. Many books have been written about how to deal with change.
Because you didn’t limit your question to yourself, but included your group of friends, I’m guessing that this is where you are experiencing the changes that are causing you concern. Maybe you or others in the group have taken on new interests and you don’t have as much in common as you used to – sometimes friends grow apart. Maybe someone in the group has started doing things that make you feel uncomfortable: experimenting with tobacco, alcohol, or drugs. Maybe it’s this all-too-common situation: a friend get a new romantic interest, starts dating exclusively, and neglects everyone else but the new sweetheart. Or maybe the change is as fundamental – and as huge – as moving from elementary to middle school, from middle school to high school, or from high school to college.
What’s a friend to do?
First, if you can, try to speak with your friends about what you’ve been experiencing. See how they feel about it and get their thoughts for how your group might want to deal with what’s happening. Second, understand and accept that friendships change. You may grow apart – this may or may not be temporary. You could be surprised to find yourselves better friends than ever after striking out on your own for a while. Meanwhile, continue to develop new interests and new friends.
For more information, take a look at Letrice Moten’s posts: What’s in a Friendship? (part one) and What’s In a Friendship? Part Two: When Friendships Go Wrong. You might also want to check out The Friendship Blog, starting with “A teen asks: How can I get my friendship back?” and “A teen asks: Why are friendships so fleeting?” If you’re a younger teen or tween looking for practical tips for putting a friendship back on track, check out PBS’ It’s My Life – When Friends Fight: Make Peace, Not War. Finally, if you are a teen girl, you might just want to check this entire month’s issue of Rookie, with its theme of Transformation (April 2012), especially Music to Change By.
The reality is that there is no “good age” that applies to everyone. We can give you some guidelines, though:
- Set a goal for your self and then surround your selves with people (friends, significant others, even parents) who will help you to wait for that goal. If you want to wait till you are married, then you’ll need help setting limits on your time alone with the person you’re dating. If you want to wait till you are in a healthy, loving relationship, or till you have graduated, then get your friends to help you avoid the temptation to hook up. If you have a plan in mind before you are placed in a tempting situation, you are more likely to stick to your plan. If you have support from friends and parents, then it’s even more likely you will be able to wait till you are ready.
- We encourage teens to choose to be abstinent, because sex is a big deal, and it’s not something to be entered into lightly. In fact, 75% of Washington County teens who have had sex say that they wish they had waited!
- In order to have a healthy sexual relationship, a lot of maturity and responsibility is necessary. Be sure that you fully understand and are able to accept any consequences that can arise from having sex: emotional consequences like how it will impact your relationship, physical consequences like pregnancy or an STI, or social consequences like what your friends might say.
- Despite what they say, everyone else is NOT doing it! According to a 2011 survey of Washington County teens, 51% of teens (ages 13-19) have not had sex of ANY type (including oral sex)! So if you feel like you are the only one of your friends who isn’t having sex, just remember that statistic!
- Drinking and drugs can lower your inhibitions and make it easier for you to have sex, even if you aren’t ready. So avoiding drugs and alcohol can help you avoid having sex before you are ready.
- Just FYI, the frontal lobe of the brain doesn’t fully develop until you are in your mid-20s. That’s the portion that controls logic and rational thought. So teens tend to be more impulsive and not always think through the consequences of their actions.
- When you do choose to be sexually active– at whatever age– make sure you have talked about birth control options with your partner, and make sure they have been checked for an STI. If you aren’t comfortable having that discussion, then it’s probably not the right time or the right person!
Should I be able to pick the movie, instead of my mom picking it when I go to the movies with friends?
Good question! Parents and teens often disagree about what’s OK or not OK to watch or listen to. Maybe you can sit down with your mom and show her a list of what’s playing, and ask which movies she’d be OK with. After all, if you’re old enough to be going to the movies with your friends, you’re old enough to have a say in what you see, even if it is within the guidelines set by your parents. If there’s a movie you’d really like to see that she absolutely won’t allow, you could check it out on a site like CommonSenseMedia.org which gives all the details of any language, drug use, love scenes, etc… it might not be as bad as she assumes (then again, it may be more more graphic than you would be comfortable with. If you’re with a guy or girl you like, and a graphic love scene comes up– AWKWARD!).
Being a teen is difficult, because you want to be more independent. But it’s hard for parents too, because they are used to being able to have some control over what things you are exposed to, and they still want to protect you. If you guys can sit down together and come up with a few good options that you’re both OK with, then it’s a win-win. Show your mom that she can trust you to make good decisions, and maybe she’ll be willing to give you some more freedom when she sees that you can handle it!
For teen parents who are trying to further their education, HCC’s Teen Parent Program provides educational support services to teen parents/pregnant teens who are Washington County residents.
You’ll find the expiration date printed right on the packaging. An expired condom will weaken and lose flexibility, making it more likely to break and less effective at preventing pregnancy and STIs. We referred to TeensHealth for additional information on this topic:
It’s not just the expiration date that matters, though. Sometimes condoms haven’t been stored properly and the material breaks down before the expiration date. If a condom ever seems dry, sticky, or stiff when it comes out of the package, don’t use it. Instead, get a new condom.
It’s best to store unused condoms in a cool, dry place where they won’t get creased (not in a wallet or pants pocket) or dried out. And never use oil-based lubricants such as lotion, massage oil, mineral oil, petroleum jelly, or baby oil with condoms because these substances can break down the material.
There’s no reason to use expired condoms. Teens can obtain free condoms at various locations in Washington County.
“While many women will be more likely to become pregnant during the middle of their cycle, there is a chance of conceiving on any day of the menstrual cycle. This is particularly true if your periods are not regular. Any vaginal penetration by the penis can result in pregnancy even if your partner pulls out before ejaculating. Before ejaculation occurs, a small amount of lubricating fluid which may contain sperm can be released. Please feel free to call us at 240-313-3296 and speak with a nurse if you have any other questions. All services are confidential.”
Visit the Health Department’s teen page for more information about services for teens.
Have a question of your own? You can ask us anonymously.
What is a good age to start having sex??