At Teens Have Choices, we invite teens to ask about anything that’s on their minds, and we do our best to provide a response that is both sincere and caring, while pointing out additional resources that may be needed. If one teen is asking, we know that other teens are wondering the same thing, but may be too shy or embarrassed to ask in a group setting. There’s a feature on our website that allows teens to submit anonymous questions. We recently received this anonymous question:
I’m 13. I broke up with my bf about 4-5 months ago. We dated for about 8 months and I was his 1st gf. A week ago I sent him a letter letting him know exactly how I feel, but instead of me giving him it my mom did because I was too scared… I was planning on texting him next week and asking him how he felt about me if he wanted to. I miss him so much, but don’t know how long to wait and what to do. What should I do?
Thanks for your very honest and heartfelt question! I hope I can provide some help and also assure you that you aren’t the only girl to regret a breakup! I have been there many times myself and can tell you it’s incredibly hard to deal with, no matter how old you are.
So first of all, there are a couple of things that you need to ask yourself: 1. Why did you break up with him in the first place? Has anything changed since you broke up? Like, does he have some annoying habit, some jealousy issues, or some different values than you do? 2. Also, what is it that you miss about him now? Is this something important and exclusive to him or do you just miss having a bf?
If you broke up over something important like your values, or you think you might just miss having a boyfriend, then you should work on getting over him and moving on. Write down what it is you liked about him and save it somewhere like a journal. Sometimes it’s helpful to look back at it later on when you are thinking of dating someone else and see if that person has any of the qualities you liked (or disliked!) about your ex.
On the other hand, if you broke up over something silly (like he wore an ugly tuxedo shirt to a school dance), AND you miss everything about him as a person, then your best bet is to send him a “we need to talk” text. It might be scary to do that, but you owe it to him to tell him how you feel in person or on the phone. If he doesn’t respond, you can (and should!) move on.
No matter what happens, keep the “big picture” in mind. Long-term relationships are wonderful things, and I think they are something that most people want for their future. But the average age when women get married is 26; twice your age! Everyone you date between now and when you get married will teach you something, whether it’s what you want in a husband, or what you don’t want in a husband, or most importantly, who you are as a person. I had boyfriends one after another from ages 15 till 27 and hated the times when I was single. But when I was 27, I took a break from dating to figure out who I was without a guy. And two years later, I met my husband and knew myself well enough to know he was exactly what I wanted! And 7 years later, I am really glad I didn’t get back together with my ex during that time, or go out with some less than perfect guy just because I got lonely.
At 13, it’s best to focus your energy on relationships with friends (male and female) rather than on always having a boyfriend. I know, it’s hard when your friends have boyfriends, but there’s a lot of great stuff you can do as a teen if you’re not tied to one person! You’re still figuring out who you are and what you like, and dating is part of that, but definitely not all of it.
I hope that helps. I have been there and I can tell you it always *seems* like a good idea to get back together, but pretty soon you’ll remember why you broke up in the first place! Good luck!